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LET'S TALK ABOUT MORNING PEOPLE

I feel, in these so called liberated days, that the time has come to move the liberal agenda forward with an appeal on behalf of another persecuted minority: gays, women, the infirm, the aged and the many and varied creeds and races of the world have all, quite rightly, had their inalienable rights recognized; is it not high time that those of us who are not morning people - I think I will call us the Morning Martyrs (for the US, try Morning-Martyr-Americans) - had our rights recognized, too?

For too long we have lived under the brutal oppression of those few, soul-less people who wake in the morning, not to pain, profound depression and their own personal ground fog like you or me, but full of the joys of spring. The same people, indeed who - with quite unforgivable insensitivity - are bright, cheerful and - worst of all - chatty first thing in the morning. Have they no respect for the dead?

We must stop to this heartless cruelty now!

And don't be fooled by their pernicious propaganda, there is nothing 'normal', 'natural' or 'good' about getting up before lunch; this glorification of the pre-noon is the result of years of selfish manipulation by morning people bent on fashioning a world in their likeness, suited, indeed, to their evil purposes. OK, I'm not entirely sure what these are - they probably talk about them in the morning before I'm compus mentis - but anything that involves dragging me out of bed before the crack of noon is unquestionably evil in my book and these are the people responsible.

Who, for instance, says we should be in work before 11AM?

Morning people!!!

Who says half-day opening means opening in the first half of the day?

Morning people!!!

Who organizes critical meetings at the crack of dawn, knowing full well we nocturnal types will - if we actually get there - be too concerned with feigning consciousness to actually follow what's going on?

Who else but Morning people?

Is it not time that we morning martyrs wrested back the reigns of power and started rearranging the world to suit our body clocks not theirs? I feel we need a manifesto; for openers:

Let's change working hours so we go to work when we're awake. . .
Let's have fast food restaurants start serving breakfast at 11am. . .
Let's have half day opening mean afternoon opening. . . in fact, make that the evening.
Let's start arranging meetings at 9:30 in the evening so we can watch morning people struggle to keep their eyes open.

And we shouldn't stop there; morning peops may awake at 6am with a song in their hearts now, but lets see how bloody chirpy they are when they've clambered into bed an hour earlier 'cause they couldn't drag themselves away from the dancing till 4am. Their morning song'll sharp become a dirge, I assure you.

We have suffered too long! The time has come to throw off our shackles, to stand up for our beliefs, to demand our rights! We must lobby parliament, protest on Capitol Hill, riot in the streets of Brussels...

Are you with me? I'm thinking something early evening, so no crawling out of pits in the wee small hours and we should be done in time for Salsa dancing.